188. The Certifieds

On the last day of every session a pin board is erected next to the notice board of National Institute of Life Skills (NILS). Students are encouraged  to write their comments and feedbacks on pieces of paper (light green copy paper, cut into slips and kept next to the board) and pin them on the board.

This serves as a feedback forum, a scrapbook, a farewell memorabilia, an internal decoration and an ego boost for the management.

Some of the comments/statements/questions from the collection:

“This course has changed my life. Now I know how to be a tough boss to my subordinates.”

“Now I know what are my real priorities. End of blissful ignorance.”

“I came here with a dream to be a politician. After six months I have lost all interest in politics. Thank you for opening my eyes!”

“Love you NILS!!!!! MMMMUUAAAHH”

“These six months of the Time Management course was the best thing I have done with my time.”

“Seriously, my family sucks man! At least now I know that!”

“I will be viral very soon! Watch out!”

“I found her here. Thank you.”

“Now I can write this comment in English without making a mistake. NILS, you rock!”

“Please please please do a course on make up.”

“Everybody loves my DP J but not me. L”

“I knew my marriage is doomed and my life is a mess. But after six months of lessons I finally learnt to accept that. So, I guess, thanks.”

“See you all from South Block someday J “

“(Translated from an Indian language) Please teach in Indian language also. I am a housewife from the family course. I did not understand anything. I am bad in English but I too want to be good in family.”

*******

The End

*******

187. A Fitting End

A man and a woman from the Family Management course are talking after collecting the certificate. Both are married, but not to each other.

Man: Can’t wait for the next course to start! What was it again? Nutrition?

Woman (rolling eyes): Diet. You only had the idea of doing another course together. And now you do not even remember the course.

Man (winking): When did I ever care for the course? All I wanted was to be with you.

Woman: You need to be with your wife.

Man: I will be. Till the course starts and I see you again (smiles). And you can have some peaceful time with your husband too.

Woman: Listen, I have something to tell you.

Man: Yes?

Woman: I am not doing any courses in the next session.

Man: What?

Woman: I am not doing that dieting course with you. Or any other course.

Man: But you have already registered for the course!

Woman: No I did not.

Man: What do you mean? You said you would!

Woman: But I did not. It is that simple.

Man (looks at her for a while): Why?

Woman: You know why. This cannot go on.

Man: So you will suddenly become faithful to your husband?

Woman: I did not say that. I meant it needs to be over between us. We should move on.

Man: Just tell me something…did I do something wrong?

Woman (looking ahead): You did nothing wrong. And I did nothing wrong either. We did something bad together and we did it well.

Man: But no more?

Woman: But no more. I am not saying we will not be in touch and all that rubbish. Sure we will be in contact. But this…whatever you want to call it…this we should finish.

Man (Looking at her with knotted eyebrows): So this ends right here?

Woman: No this does not end right here. I have told my husband I am staying with a girlfriend tonight. The girlfriend does not exist. You will find some excuse too for your wife and then you will book a hotel. Then we will end this tomorrow after breakfast.

Man (letting out his breath after almost a minute): You are a strange lady, honey.

Woman (smiles): Good or bad, everything deserves a fitting end.

186. The Certificate

NILS

National Institute of Life Skills

Certificate of Completion

This certifies that

XXX YYYY

has completed a certified course in Party Politics at the ZZZ branch of the National Institute of Life Skills.

This also certifies that he/she has shown considerable improvement in his/her skills of political skullduggery and is now capable of clearly differentiating real politics from childhood dreams of promised lands. He/She has now acquired the skills to survive and flourish in any political regime.

……………………………………….

185. Question Paper for The Balancing Act

Question paper for the examination of Paper III (The Balancing Act), Work-Life Balancing Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Write short notes on: work, homework, work from home, home from work.

2. Outline the steps you will take to overcome (i) Sunday Evening Depression Syndrome (SEDS) and (ii) Wednesday Morning Frustration Syndrome (WMFS).

3. (i) You work 110 hours a week. You met your son/daughter the other day on the street and failed to recognize him/her as your child. People are very angry at home. How will you make up for it?

(ii) Your boss has seen a photo of you holidaying on a beach. You are wearing a blue “Fuck My Boss, Bitch!” T-Shirt. You were also on sick leave with a fake medical certificate. How do you handle the situation?

4. You have come to office in the morning and found that the office is closed. You have enquired and realized that it is Sunday.

(i) Diagnose your condition.

(ii) Describe five possible reasons why your wife and kids and other people at home did not stop you from leaving for office on a Sunday morning.

5. (i) Prepare a set of arguments to explain to your boss that you need to spend more time with your family.

(ii) Prepare a set of arguments to explain to your subordinate why She/he needs to spend more time in office.

6. You wish to take a five day vacation during the Christmas week.

(i) Outline the lies you will have to tell your boss and the HR.

(ii) Describe the fake evidences you will need to furnish to substantiate those lies.

(iii) Describe which steps you will need to take after the vacation to ensure you do not get fired.

184. A Quality Time

A male student from Party Politics course and a female student from Social Media Usage course are having lunch together in a Chinese restaurant. The girl is shifting to another city with a job offer.

Girl: We can’t do it online all the time.

Boy: We have to. We will be thousands of kilometers apart.

Girl: But it is so difficult. Then there are technical problems, slow internet.

Boy: Look, we have to find a way. And we are meeting four times a year. I am going to you two times and you are coming here two times.

Girl: When I am coming, I am staying at home. So we can only meet outside or in your place but only for a few hours.

Boy: That will have to do. But when I am there I am staying with you.

Girl: We will spend the entire time together. We can have quality time.

Boy: Umm yes...

Girl: Naturally, there is nothing like the physical presence. Come more often if it is possible. Online is only when you have no way to come.

Boy (slightly uneasy): You are still talking about us working together, right?

Girl: Yes. Why are you asking?

Boy: No, just got a little sidetracked. So you were saying?

Girl: I was saying that the partners of a start-up joint venture should meet and discuss strategies often. Since we are in different cities, we will have to rely on conference calls. But make sure you can come down to my place as many times as possible.

Boy: To discuss the finances and publicity, right?

Girl: Yes! Why are you asking?

Boy: No, just clarifying. Carry on.

183. Question Paper for Basic Writing Skills

Question paper for the examination of Paper III (Basic Writing Skills), Social Media Usage Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Write Happy Birthday Facebook comments for (i) boss, (ii) spouse, (iii) crush, (iv) a random good-looking guy or girl.

2. (i) Compare between grammatical mistakes and short forms.

(ii) “Everything is fair in SMS and Twitter.” – Justify.

3. Narrate an incident from your life as a Facebook post without using the following words: actually, very, basically, lot of, so, extremely.

4. (i) Outline the different situations where a reply with only emojis/smileys is most effective.

(ii) Write three sentences each with five or more emojis and two words.

5. (i) Write an emotional post for Father’s Day that has a likeability of above 75.

(ii) Write passionately about iceberg melting in 40 words.

6. Write LinkedIn job profile descriptions for (i) Cristiano Ronaldo, (ii) Kim Kardashian, (iii) Tintin, (iv) Snowy.  

182. Question Paper for Political Statement Making

Question paper for the examination of Paper V (Political Statement Making), Party Politics Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Write a letter for a magazine accusing the opposition party of not adhering to democracy. Argue how they are fundamentally autocratic. Conclude the letter by explaining why all opposition should be abolished to save democracy.

2. You are a member of the legislative assembly and your youngest son has died of drug overdose. Prepare three statements for the media with the following three goals:

(i) To garner public sympathy

(ii) To establish yourself as a martyr for the country

(iii) To divert public attention away from your son.

3. Describe the various forms and uses of propaganda in electoral democracy.

4. (i) Choose any religious community and prepare a short speech to hurt its sentiments.

(ii) Write a scathing reply on behalf of that community.

5. Write a report on your local football match in the language of a violent demonstration.

6. Write a 200 words article for a journal to explain why people should care for political ideologies when all they want are better roads and 24 hours water supply.

181. Question Paper for Work and Life

Question paper for the examination of Paper I (Work and Life), Work-Life Balancing Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Explain why there is a Working Class but no Living Class.

2. Give short definitions of Working Condition, Shelf Life and Reserve Stock. Describe how these parameters are to be applied to humans.

3. In prehistoric ages daily work like hunting and finding shelters or caves were the fundamental functions of life. Discuss when and how during the course of human history work became labelled as work.

4. (i) Does the entertainment industry exist for enjoying Life or for reducing stress at Work? Justify.

(ii) Do we watch films to forget Life or to forget Work? Give your opinion.

5. Describe what constitutes work and what constitutes life for the following persons:

(i) a toddler

(ii) a terminal cancer patient

(iii) the son of a billionaire tycoon

(iv) a housewife in an ultra-conservative family.

6. (i) Outline at least five different ways to celebrate free time without drinking, smoking, snorting or injecting stuff.

(ii) Give convincing arguments why one should do the first five and not the last four. Or the other way round.

180. Question Paper for Micro Management

Question paper for the examination of Paper IV (Micro Management), Time Management Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Define Self-replicating Goals. Explain why we always have to do something else before doing the actual thing. How can this phenomenon be incorporated in a time based schedule?

2. How can you overlap work and pleasure? Explain why you should brag about this ability among your friends and family but hide it from your employer.

3. (i) Define a Vanished Morning.

(ii) Make an activity-time relation table for the period between your waking up in the morning and leaving for work.

(iii) How can you reduce the total time in the above table by half so that you can sleep more?

4. Explain why you should care for time while time does not care for you.

5. (i) When was the last time you managed to do something on time?

(ii) How did that happen?

(iii) How can it be avoided in future?

6. Describe the disruptive effects of the following on a well-made schedule:

(i) promotion of a colleague who is not you,

(ii) last evening’s rancid street food,

(iii) the boss’s daughter,

(iv) an uncontrolled rage.

179. Question Paper for Application of Family

Question paper for the examination of Paper V (Application of Family), Family Management Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Which types of family members should you be in touch with and which types can you completely ignore? Outline the features of both.

2. Describe the various uses, abuses and misuses of family.

3. (i) Explain how you can blame your upbringing by your parents to defend yourself when your husband/wife criticizes you.

(ii) What special measures will you take if the above mentioned discussion takes place in front of your parents?

4. Your third cousin has gone to Pennsylvania for two weeks. Describe how you can make use of that opportunity to immigrate to the United States with your whole family.

5. (i) Draw the Status Tree of your family.

(ii) Mark your position on the Status Tree. Justify.

(iii) Mention which branches can help you climb higher and which branches might brake if you apply pressure.

6. Outline what your expectations from your family should be when

(i) you are in a hospital,

(ii) you are in prison,

(iii) you are a celebrity,

(iv) you are a fugitive in India but living in a mansion in the outskirts of London.

178. Question Paper for Blame and Blame Transfer

Question paper for the examination of Paper V (Blame and Blame Transfer), Office Dynamics Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Outline what type of background checks you will need to do before

(i) blaming it on the computer,

(ii) blaming it on diarrhea,

(iii) blaming it on the traffic,

(iv) blaming it on global warming.

2. Explain in which circumstances you would accept a blame. Describe what possible plans or ideas a colleague might have if s/he starts accumulating blames.

3. Which type of personalities are best suited for Dumping of Blame? Do you belong to such groups? Justify your observations.

4. Under what circumstances can you blame it on the boss? What safety measures would you take to save yourself in case your boss comes to know about it?

5. Describe the relation between office romance and blame sharing. What factors should you consider before taking her/his blame on your shoulders?

6. (i) Explain why you are not supposed to say sorry to people.

(ii) Explain why people are supposed to say sorry to you.

177. Hard Choices

A husband and a wife are talking at home. The husband is attending the Family Management course and they are discussing the question paper of the examination.

Husband: You are being completely irrational.

Wife: How so?

Husband: You are mixing academics with emotion. They are completely separate things.

Wife: Excuse me! But from your selection of questions in the exam it seems to me you have some very specific ideas.

Husband: It was an exam! I had to write whichever was easier.

Wife: Then please explain how it is so easy for you describe the methods of marrying a girl from another religion?

Husband: It is easy because we have learnt that in class.

Wife: You learnt in class how to marry another girl?

Husband: Theoretically, of course.

Wife: No, seriously. They taught you how to marry people outside your own religion and family?

Husband: Wait a second, now. They taught us the best way to tackle an inter-religious marriage. There was nothing about marrying someone else while you are already married.

Wife: This is why you were attending classes so regularly. I understand now.

Husband: I was attending the classes because you were pushing me to. I had no interests in sitting in a boring family course day after day.

Wife: I sent you there to learn about methods of peaceful coexistence with uncooperative in-laws. In case you do not understand, I am talking about your parents.

Husband: I understand perfectly, thank you. That was also taught in class. You have seen the notes.

Wife: Then why did you not answer that question? There was a question about how to deal with extended family members with minimal effort.

Husband: That was a difficult questions. There would be too many variables and missing any of them could cost me marks.

Wife: Oh I see. It is difficult for you to write about your family. But it is easy for you to write on how to marry a young girl.

(Husband picks up a paper and starts writing)

Wife: What are you writing?

Husband: An authorization letter for you. Now you can write the remaining three papers instead of me. I am out of this.

176. Question Paper for Principles of Profiles

Question paper for the examination of Paper I (Principles of Profiles), Social Media Usage Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. (i) How can you use your Instagram profile for advertising your start-up?

(ii) How can you use your LinkedIn profile for online dating?

2. Outline the salient features of a Romantic Profile. Describe how you can increase or decrease the romantic nature of your profile in different social media.

3. Define Virtual Falsification. Explain how much of Virtual Falsification is optimum for you and why.

4. What characters should your Facebook display picture have when you, (a) want everybody to find you, (b) want only some people to find you, (c) want nobody to find you and (d) do not want your spouse or parents to find you.

5. (i) What is a Stalking Profile?

(ii) Describe the features of a Stalking Profile.

(iii) How can you keep your Stalking Profile away from and completely unrelated to your basic profile?

6. Describe where the “Log out” buttons are hidden in LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

175. Question Paper for Working in Team

Question paper for the examination of Paper III (Working in Team), Office Dynamics Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. (i) Describe ideal gift items for male and female team leaders. 

(ii) You are a team leader. How do you subtly convey to your subordinates what you need as gifts?

2. If pack hunting culture by prehistoric humans have evolved over the ages into corporate team working, describe what the prey of that hunt has evolved into.

3. Outline the basic criteria for selecting the following people in your team: your sick leave replacement, your strike day replacement, your rainy day lift back home, your supporter in the team meetings, your coffee break partner.

4. (i) How can you establish to your superiors in a team that you are a responsible person?

(ii) What are the advantages of being considered as simple-minded and selfless by others in the team?

5. You are a team leader and your team has performed well. You have taken the entire credit and your superiors have suggested your name for a promotion. However, you need a positive feedback from your subordinates to get the promotion. Write a speech for the next team meeting where you ask people to say good things about you and completely defuse the issue of who has taken the whole credit.

6. “Team work is good for you when you know your job well, but it is the best for you when you have no idea what to do.” – Explain.

174. Question Paper for Goal Setting

Question paper for the examination of Paper III (Goal Setting), Time Management Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Describe the goals you had set for yesterday. How many of them could you reach successfully and how many partially? Explain your failure with respect to Reluctant Goals.

2. “While trying to achieve your goals, your role is not that of the goal keeper but of a striker who is playing against an ultra-defensive team.” Explain.

3. Compare your goals with that of your grandmother’s and explain why grandparents are distinctly more at peace than their grandchildren.

4. Describe your five most ambitious goals in life. Explain what makes you think you can ever achieve them.

5. (i) What are Principal Goals and what are Subordinate Goals?

(ii) What are your Subordinate Goals when your Principal Goal is “to be happy”?

6. Describe the different methods you can use to demotivate your competitor(s) from realizing their goals and ambitions.

173. Question Paper for Political Systems and Parties

Question paper for the examination of Paper I (Political Systems and Parties), Party Politics Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Outline the similarities among left, centre and right parties.

2. What is your country’s Means of Production? How can it be seized? Evaluate the chance of success for the same.

3. Explain why the buildings constructed under dictatorships are drab, gigantic and colourless while subversive political graffiti is compact, loud and colourful.

4. Describe the various methods used to rig elections and buy voters for senate elections in ancient Rome.

5. (i) Select any national party in India. Justify why this party is the best candidate to rule the country. 

(ii) Select another party. Do the same.

6. (i) Explain how it is so easy for Foreigners to come to your country and get the jobs that you do not get.

(ii) Name three parties and/or communities who are selling the country. Explain who is the buyer.

172. Question Paper for Joint and Nuclear Family

Question paper for the examination of Paper I (Joint and Nuclear Family), Family Management Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Write short notes on the following with respect to an Indian urban joint family:

i) Division of labour

ii) Cost sharing

iii) Space allocation

iv) Jealousies 

v) Domestic help

2. i) Give five reasons why you might need other family members around you. Explain.

ii) Give ten reasons why you do not need other family members around you.

3. You are living in a joint family and you are planning to marry a person from a different religion. You do not want to be cut off from your family after marriage. Describe with justification the steps you would need to take to maximize your chance of success in bringing the family and the spouse under the same roof.

4. Describe the benefits of a joint family. How is it possible to access the same benefits and advantages while living separately in a nuclear family?

5. Explain why people do not prefer joint families anymore even though they offer financial fallback options, supply of manpower in health and sickness, a solution to loneliness and opportunities of clandestine and incestuous sexual affairs.

6. You live in a nuclear family and have neither the time nor the patience for your other family members. Describe the mimimum effort you will need to put in to ensure you will not die alone and rot in a carcass dump.

171. Syllabus for Macro Management

Part of the syllabus of Paper V (Macro Management), Time Management Course

(…)

2. Planning for different phases of life. Different phases of life: childhood in assembly line, teenage in hangers, 20s on the runway, take-off at 30s, ascend at 40s, cruising at 50s, descent at 60s, landing at 70s, exhibit for children from 80s. Plane crashes. Missing the flight. What happens during a hijack. Understanding aerodynamics: pressure makes planes fly. Airport hangers and bird cages. On the runway: awareness of the existence of other planes. Learning to scan beyond the clouds while taking off. Ascend: flying high with the seatbelt fastened. Cruising into the sunset. How to chalk out landing plans while taking off and set them in motion while still ascending. Old WWII planes around the world. 

3. Planning ahead. Things to consider: money, lack thereof, family, children, wimpy children, useless grown-up sons and daughters, bank loans, loan retrieval policies of banks (…)

(…)

5. Disruptions and deviations from a planned life. People who were not supposed to die. The meeting you should have attended. The traffic jam that should not have been. The promotion you were supposed to get. The boss who refused to die and burn in hell. The property you should have inherited. The wife who was supposed to be supportive. The husband who was supposed to be a teetotaler. The world that was supposed to understand your struggles.