179. Question Paper for Application of Family

Question paper for the examination of Paper V (Application of Family), Family Management Course

Answer any five. Each question carries ten marks.

1. Which types of family members should you be in touch with and which types can you completely ignore? Outline the features of both.

2. Describe the various uses, abuses and misuses of family.

3. (i) Explain how you can blame your upbringing by your parents to defend yourself when your husband/wife criticizes you.

(ii) What special measures will you take if the above mentioned discussion takes place in front of your parents?

4. Your third cousin has gone to Pennsylvania for two weeks. Describe how you can make use of that opportunity to immigrate to the United States with your whole family.

5. (i) Draw the Status Tree of your family.

(ii) Mark your position on the Status Tree. Justify.

(iii) Mention which branches can help you climb higher and which branches might brake if you apply pressure.

6. Outline what your expectations from your family should be when

(i) you are in a hospital,

(ii) you are in prison,

(iii) you are a celebrity,

(iv) you are a fugitive in India but living in a mansion in the outskirts of London.

169. Syllabus for Family Politics

Part of the syllabus of Paper IV (Family Politics), Family Management Course

(…)

2. Status. Static status and dynamic status. Rise and fall of status within the family. Conduction, convection, radiation and evaporation of status. Family status built upon job, money, property, lineage and connection to political hoodlums.  Self-implied status. (…) Status by marriage. Status difference between father and father-in-law and how to make the most of it.

3. Politics without elections. The concept of decentralized multi-party feudalism. Advantages and disadvantages of seniority. Role of children. Goals of family politics: ego, revenge and justice. Concept of reconciliation. Transient reconciliations. Concept of being angry on someone till they die.

(…)

5. Favours. Trading, selling and accumulating favours. How to take a favour from a family member. Returning a favour. Situations where a return favour is not imperative/not necessary/not important/avoidable/can be ignored. Asking for more favours after not returning previous favours. Reasons people help unworthy family members: sustenance of bloodline, emotional weakness, egoistic pleasure, disposal of black money, peer pressure, social expectations, to ensure probable return favours when needed.

164. Saying Sorry (or not...)

From Survival in the Family: A Handbook by Nidhi Ranjan (From suggested reading, Paper IV – Family Politics, Family Management Course)

Saying Sorry (or not…)

Now and again such situations will arise where you will be expected to apologize to a member of your family. This expectation may come as a demand, as an emotional blackmail, as a threat or even as a feeling of guilt. However, the expression ‘sorry’ is like money, which you would rather take than give.

Whenever you are expected to apologize to a family member (the aggrieved party), you can try any one or a combination of the following to avoid the painful act of saying ‘sorry’:

Send your spouse to aggrieved party.

Send your children.

Send a box of sweets.

Send something home cooked.

Invite the aggrieved party for evening snacks and behave as if nothing has happened.

Invite the aggrieved party and explain politely why you are right.

Meet the aggrieved party and justify your actions.

Meet the aggrieved party and demand apology.

Paint yourself as the aggrieved party.

Demand victim status.

Fight and break off relations. Use senior members of the family to mediate a patch up. But make sure both parties say sorry, or none.

Earn a lot of money. Nobody will ever expect you to say sorry again as rich people do not apologize.

153. Syllabus for Core and Extended Family

Part of the syllabus of Paper III (Core and Extended Family), Family Management Course

1. Structural configuration of a family. Hardcore and softcore. Types of extensions and protrusions from core: sticky, thorny, bulbous, fleshy, sweet, utterly useless etc. Core-Extension synergy. Spatial models of Core-Extension relations: concentric circles, overlapping circles, tangential circles, separate circles, parallel lines, void. Core and Extension as observed by a child, a domestic help, an insurance policy salesman, a terminally ill patient, lawyers, police and tele-serial makers.

2. Role of parents. Parents as asset and/or liability. Staying with parents: a cautious togetherness. Mixing between parents and children: milk with water, oil with water, limestone with water, tea leaves with hot milk water, whiskey with coke, lime with milk. Duties of parents: grandchildren, financial backup, family relations, social relations, counselling and finding divorce lawyers. (…)

(…)

5. Status in family. Nature of status: perceived, conceived, received and deceived. Wealth as the foundation of status. Status symbols. Car brand and model as the foundation of status symbol. Status maintenance. Is everyone better off than me? Professions that are automatic status symbols. Professions that are not. Status vs. Class. NRI in US vs. NRI in Europe. (…)

143. Syllabus for Newlyweds

Part of the syllabus of Paper II (Newlyweds), Family Management Course

1. The First Three Days. Marking physical territories. Switching on the burner. Making tea. (…) Manufacturers of sturdy beds and tables. Pairing in terms of sharing and caring.

2. The Slope of Life. Wedding High, Honeymoon Low and Life Thereafter. 3 Days of fame. Keeping track of wedding gifts. Formulation of self-esteem from nature of gifts. Planning, financing and implementation of a successful honeymoon. Consummation without coercion. Return from honeymoon and the next three days. A glimpse of life ever after. Quotes of famous people on life and its meaning. Effect of meditation and yoga. The sweet promise of alimony. Suicide and Indian Penal Code.

(…)

4. (…) Emotions among newlyweds: happiness, fulfillment, inexplicable delight, crestfallen, got-married-so-what, thankful to Almighty, misunderstood and mismatched, back pain, liberated from loneliness.

5. In-laws: Behind Enemy Lines. Mephisto. Madding Crowd. They Know What You Did Last Summer. Alice in Wonderland. Love, Sex aur Dhokha. A Few Good Men. When All Become One.

133. Very Messy

Class teaching (Family Management, Paper II – Newlyweds)

“The most common question from relatives after marriage is why you still have not multiplied. Why you still do not have kids.

"The reply to that question will vary from situation to situation and between sexes. I am going to teach you some template answers that you can apply depending on the situation.

"We will start with the situation where the girl is faced with this question. First thing you need to remember: whatever is your answer, stick to it. Repeat it fifteen times if required, but do not change your stance. Here are some answers."

(On the board)

You do not want to offend anybody: smile and keep smiling like a fool till they give up

You want to give hints that you do not like such personal questions: smile once and start fiddling with your phone without looking up for next five minutes

You don’t care what they think: “I don’t have time for all that.”

You believe in justice and humanity: tell them the truth, whatever it is

You want to be sweet and nice: just blush and keep blushing every time you are asked the question

You want people to be vaguely uncomfortable: shake your head and keep mumbling that the world has become a horrible place for children

You had a fight with your husband: answer all questions with ‘Ask him, no? How do I know?”

You want them to move on to the next married girl without a child: “Next year, aunty.”

You want them to give up forever: “I had a few pregnancies in school and in college. Very messy.”

“And if you are a guy, shake your head and indicate that you both are waiting for your foreign posting so your child can be born in the United States.”

130. Moral Duties and Reasonable Expectations

A married couple is talking at home. The husband is attending the Family Management course. The wife is showing a piece of class handout to the husband.

Wife: Have you seen this exercise? There is a catch in this.

Husband: Which exercise?

Wife: This one (gives him the paper). On parents.

Husband: Moral duties to and reasonable expectations from parents. Yes, I remember this. But this is not an exercise. This is just a list of guidelines on what one should do and what one can expect as long as parents are involved.

Wife: Which means you have read nothing. There are two different situations here and the guidelines are meant for both situations. Some guidelines suit both, but many are particular to either one of the situations.

Husband: What situations?

Wife: There is a question here right on the top. See. Are your parents your core family or your expected family? Everything that comes after that depends on that answer. If you consider your parents as a part of your core family then you have a set of duties and returns. If extended, then a different set of obligations and expectations.

Husband: Okay. Then let’s find our situation. Are my parents extended or core?

Wife: You say.

Husband: Extended, I would say.

Wife: We have a joint kitchen.

Husband: Then core.

Wife: Our finances are separate and we live in different floors.

Husband: Hmm. I see.

(After a few minutes)

Husband: Okay, this is really a tricky question.

Wife: I told you there is a catch. And all your duties and expectations depend on that one answer. Do you consider them as core or as extension?

126. Helpful Classmates

A married couple are talking at home. The husband is attending the Family Management course at his wife’s insistence. They are talking about today’s class on Compromises.

Husband: There were so many arguments that the class went on till 8.45. And the same topic is supposed to be continued next day.

Wife: Arguments or discussions?

Husband: Both. One leading to the other.

Wife: Everybody is scared to make compromises, I guess…

Husband: There are all types. There is this girl who is so scared of making compromises that she had been pushing off her wedding for the last four years.

Wife: Four years? That’s a long time. Is there a fixed guy?

Husband: Yes, she has a fixed boyfriend and that guy has been waiting for four years it seems. Problem is, they are both very outgoing and adventurous. Goes for trekking, snorkeling and stuff. Now she thinks marriage will stop all that.

Wife: For her or for both?

Husband: Now, that is the real problem. She used to think it would stop for both as they might have to settle down and have kids. But now she thinks that he will go about doing what he wants while she will have to sit at home.

Wife: Why the change of heart?

Husband: Because of another participant in the class. This one is a married woman and she thinks family life sucks. She has to make most of the compromises and look after her husband’s family while the husband hardly comes home before late evening and does nothing for the household.

Wife: So this married woman has made the trekker girl nervous?

Husband: Nervous is an understatement. The girl is completely convinced that marriage will be a horrible idea for her and she thanked that woman openly in class for saving her life. She also said that it was this course that finally convinced her that she was right about not marrying.

Wife: There goes a wedding down the drain.

Husband: Absolutely. Now the teacher got nervous because the girl was openly announcing that the course has inspired her to break off her marriage.

Wife: What nonsense!

Husband: Wait till you hear the last part. The teacher insisted that the girl should give it in writing that any decision she is going to make about her family life is her own and not influenced directly by any NILS faculty.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Yes, Madam. And that discussion went on till 8.45 and to be continued next day.

115. Family: Do's and Dont's

Class Notes (Family Management, Paper V – Application of Family)

*Family = extended family

The (influence of) family can be applied for the following:

           I.      To gain political positions

          II.      To be selected in a sports team

     III.      To be given acting roles in films

     IV.      To obtain customers for business

          V.      To handle legal matters (exceptions listed below)

     VI.      To obtain capital for starting a business

     VII.      To obtain a loan for son/daughter’s higher education

     VIII.      To make emergency appointments with renowned doctors

     IX.      To have a sponsor in order to obtain a visa

The (intervention and involvement of) family should be avoided for the following:

   I.      Romantic affairs

  II.      Holidays and parties

  III.      Hoarding of black money

  IV.      Treatment for cocaine addiction

  V.      Legal matters concerning fraud, stalking, sexual molestation and adultery

  VI.      Acting career in B-grade films

  VII.      Son/daughter’s inability to be the topper in school in academics, sports, music and painting.

114. Being Visible

Class Teaching (Family Management, Paper IV – Family Politics)

Teacher: “You will never be a good player at family politics, if your visibility is low. You might have your job and your friends and a thousand other things, but if you want to have a central role in your extended family, you must make yourself visible.

“How to increase visibility in the family? I will give you a few tips.

“Attend family gatherings and stay back till late. Do not come early and make the host serve you drinks and snacks earlier than planned, but stay back to show you are one of the near and dear ones. Always insist on eating at the very end with the members of the host family. Most of the food might get over by then, so make sure to eat some surreptitiously during the evening.

“If you cannot attend physically, make arrangements with someone so that you can make a video call and talk to everyone. Make a second video call near the end to talk to the host family members.

“Next, visit people in hospitals. Try to visit on weekend evenings when many other relatives will be visiting. Your service might not be needed at that time, but everybody will see you.

“In case you have to visit in some odd morning hours, make sure to take photos and send to everybody in the family.

“If you are good with photo editing tools, then make collages of you surrounded by as many family members as possible. If you are not good with photo editing tools, then ask someone from the family to teach you. Share these collages.

“Keep planning family trips. Promise to handle a lot of arrangements yourselves and include as many people in the trip as possible. The more the number of people, the more difficult it will be to fix a common time and place for a trip. So you will not finally have to do anything or go anywhere. But plan with vigour and gusto.

“Play with children whenever you visit someone. Children remember people far better than adults. If you can win their hearts they will keep asking their parents about you whenever someone visits their house. That way, your name will come up even if other people are visiting them. Very useful.

“Make sure to go the crematorium when someone dies. Do not go the house first. Say you are busy and will go directly to the crematorium. Then keep calling people every five minutes to ask about the status and progress of the hearse van. Do not call the same person, call as many different family members as possible.

“A good way to remind people of your existence is to share the Facebook memory posts. Take photos with family members regularly and post everything on Facebook. This way you will create a lot of memory posts every year. Share and comment on each when they appear.

“If you follow the above for about one year, you will see a radical change in your visibility index. You will also see that none of the above is difficult, except maybe interacting with children.

“Remember, children have an uncanny ability to see through people’s intensions. You do not want them to feel you have some ulterior motives. Just be careful, that is all.”

108. Trust Issues

A married couple is talking at home. The husband is attending the Family Management course, mostly as a result of his wife’s insistence.

Wife (reading the cover of a book): Basics of Book Keeping. Where did you get this book from?

Husband: From the NILS library of course.

Wife: Why?

Husband: Because I want to learn book keeping and financial planning for my family.

Wife: Why do you need a book for that?

Husband: Because I have never learnt accounting of any kind. We were taught some basic family finances in class last week and then the teacher said we are going to do some projects and observation assignments on family planning. So, I thought…

Wife: Project on family planning? What on earth is that? And what observation?

Husband: I meant financial planning for a family. Not making a family (rolls eyes). We are going to learn how to keep systematic accounts of family assets and liabilities.

Wife: And you thought the only way to do that is by learning from a book and do it yourself?

Husband: What is the problem? Why are you so upset?

Wife: Upset? Your wife is a commerce graduate who works in a bank and you try to learn finances from a book but don't ask me to teach you instead. You have no trust in me.

Husband: Where is this coming from?

Wife: From this bloody book. This is so shocking! You have absolutely no trust in my capabilities. It never occured to you that I could do the financial planning of the family myself. That I have professional training.

Husband: If you are so confident about your accounting skills, then why haven’t you ever – I mean ever – tried to keep any accounts of our expenditures?

Wife: Because I knew you would not trust me with it. And see, how right I was.

97. Family Credit Score (FCS)

Class teaching (Family Management, Paper V – Application of Family)

“How much money can you raise as loan from your family?

“In case you live in a small nuclear family, please consider your extended family with uncles, cousins, grandparents etc.

“Every large or extended family can be broken down to a cluster of basic family units of parents and children. Any further division will lead to incomplete family units.

“The total amount of probable loan from the entire family, inclusive of all constituent units, is your Family Credit Score (FCS). Do the following to calculate your FCS.

“First, make a list of all constituent family units that make up your large extended family.

“Second, consider their financial status and liabilities and try to ascertain the maximum amount of money they might be able to give you as loan over a period of at least one year.

“Third, add the maximum amounts for all constituent units to obtain your Family Loan Strength (FLS).

“Your Family Credit Score is 60% of the Family Loan Strength for emergency situations, like medical or legal and 40% for non-emergency situations, like business or education.”

On the board

FCS_emergency = 60% of FLS

FCS_{non-emergency} = 40% of FLS

92. Core and Extension

Class Teaching (Family Management, Paper III – Core and Extended Family)

Teacher: “Our core family consists of our spouse and children. Parents are often a part of it, but not always.

“Uncles, aunts, cousins etc. form the extended family.

“Today we will discuss which information about your personal life you might share with your extended family members and which are better kept within the confines of the core family.”

On the board

	Extended Family	Core Family
Education	Talk about your qualifications, not percentages	Discuss your actual marks, let them know
Financial status	Say you are poor. Then you can give cheap gifts and will not have to help the poor cousin.	Say you are reach to stop the comparison with neighbour, cousin etc.
Availability	Say office does not allow leaves. This means you have a responsible job.	Say you are always available for your darling spouse.
Political view	Go with the flow.	Read newspapers and deliver lectures to unwilling audience about your political analyses
Future plans	Only the parts where you are going abroad	Don’t bother. They will tell you your ideal future plan a hundred times anyway.
Cooking skills	Boast, because you are only showing photos.	Remember, love and affection cannot make inedible edible.
Having a boyfriend / girlfriend / lover	Tell them or else they will think you are no good	Tell them only when it is necessary, they will always disapprove. If you are already married, try not to make it necessary.

87. A Good Man

A married couple are talking at home. The husband is attending the Family Management course, mostly on his wife’s behalf. They are discussing about the Family Politics class from Sunday (for reference, see post 86).

Husband: To put it simply, the fight with your in-laws will be simpler if you are in an arranged marriage.

Wife: Why do you say that?

Husband: The teacher said that, not me. I am just repeating.

Wife: So it is easy for me to handle your parents. That is what you think?

Husband: Look, do not change the topic. This is not about handling my parents, it is about fighting with my parents. And I just taught you some good arguments to use against them.

Wife: Oh, really?

Husband: Of course! I am not taking my parents’ side darling, I am taking your side.

Wife: What is that argument again?

Husband: If things go really bad and if they actually say that you are a lousy daughter-in-law, then you can always tell them that if you are lousy at managing the household, then they were no less lousy in picking a wife for their son. Because they chose you.

Wife: You think this argument will work?

Husband: I don’t see why not.

Wife: You mean to say that the best way to fight with your parents is to accept that I am actually lousy at taking care of my household?

Husband (after a three seconds delay): I never said that.

Wife: You better not.