100. The 100th Post: an Overview

The hundredth Post of The Certifieds sits in the middle of the series. The blog series of The Certifieds had started on 23rd June, 2018 and will end on 31st December 2018.

The Certifieds tells the story of a fictional institute, called the National Institute of Life Skills (NILS), which offers guidance and training for the real life. The courses offered in the institute transcend the boundary of academics and often sit beyond the so-called concept of applied skills.

NILS, for example, does not teach the theoretical importance of family within a social structure, but it teaches how one can use his family contacts to come out of a tight spot. It does not offer lectures on the boon and bane of social media. Instead it gives a systematic training on building an impressive Facebook profile. NILS does not teach you photography in general, but it offers guidance in clicking good DPs.  NILS teaches you how to be politically correct. It trains you to be a team worker in office, even if you hate all your colleagues. It teaches you how to set your daily goals and what to do when you fail to achieve them. It trains you to chat in English and impress people. It helps you to find, follow and stalk your ex-girlfriend in Facebook. It also teaches you how to convert your parent’s natural affection into hard cash.

Alas, this institute is entirely imaginary.

The only glimpses of NILS that one can have are seen through this blog series. The past 99 posts are littered with class lectures, book excerpts, discussions, explanations, home assignments, handouts, class notes, chats, talks and even WhatsApp messages. And there are more to come, almost as many as there are now.

While the institute and its teaching is the main focus here, the blog series is not entirely devoid of human characters. The major recurring characters can be found under the labels Father and Daugther, Two Colleauges, The Batchmates, The Married ones and Husband and Wife.

There is no fixed way to read this blog series. The structure is entirely flexible and you can read it any way you want. If you are a casual reader and get bored usually in two minutes, click on the post names in the Blog Archives that you like and read as many as you can in those two minutes. Or if you are a holistic reader and you like to vent your disappointment only after the last page of the book, then I take humble liberty to suggest, that you should begin right at the beginning with the first post from 23^rd June, 2018.

99. Problems in the Team

Case Study session, Office Dynamics course

The students are sitting in a circle and each is stating what problem he or she faces while working in a team. Some examples are given below:

“I have really good ideas, but nobody will listen to me.”

“Some people think they know everything. Especially the young ones. They don’t understand the value of experience.”

“Some people try to establish authority due to their seniority. But in a team, all are same.”

“Others speak better English than me.”

“I cannot concentrate. I keep focusing in and out during a team meeting. And people think I am dumb.”

“I am a team leader by designation and I love working in a team. I have no problems. The only thing that annoys me is how some of my subordinates think they are too smart to work under a team leader. I mean, by position I am their boss, isn’t it? And I love to keep the group nicely together. I don’t understand why some of them have problems with that.”

“How can I be sure that other people in the group have integrity?”

“There is always one person who thinks he or she knows everything. And then every group meeting is practically a fight to convince that person that his or her idea may not be the best.”

“The other team members – that is the only problem.”

“It is slow work. I can do my job much faster if I am working alone. But this new craze about team working means I have to sit through hours of unnecessary meetings.”

“Easy or difficult - it all depends on the team leader.”

“I have a soft voice. I cannot speak very loudly. Nobody ever listens to my opinions.”

98. The 80-20 Hypothesis

A female student from Social Media Usage course and a male student of Party Politics course are talking in the bus stop outside the NILS building. It is past 8:30 pm and all classes have got over.

Girl: Today we did something interesting. We had a class on what type of information you should share on social media if you are running a store and want to advertise your merchandise online.

Boy: What type of store?

Girl: Anything, from big chain stores like Shoppers Stop to smaller online start-ups selling stuff like key chains or handbags.

Boy: That is a long range.

Girl: And yet they have the same purpose. Tell me, what do you remember from big chain store adverts on Facebook?

Boy: Like Shoppers Stop? Colourful clothes mostly. Some bath towel kind of stuff as well. Scented candles.

Girl: That’s all?

Boy: Umm…some prices and discounts. And some happy family kind of photos with the models wearing the products.

Girl: Okay. Myntra?

Boy: Similar. Lot of clothes and other stuff. Discounts, combos. Models wearing stuff.

Girl: Amazon?

Boy: Computer accessories.

Girl: Only?

Boy: Books also I guess. I don’t read much.

Girl: No wonder! What type of computer accessories?

Boy (thinking): Mouse pads, USB drives, laptops.

Girl: What kind of laptops.

Boy: Mostly notebooks of basic models. Some very hi-fi gaming laptops.

Girl: Some classy stuff and some for the middle class.

Boy: You can say that.

Girl: Not me. The teacher said so. She was saying that every store that puts up adverts online will show 80% of middle class accessible products with low prices, discounts and attractive combos and about 20% of high class products. They may never sell those 20% but it only increases their brand value.

Boy: Gaming laptops make people think they are not a roadside shop?

Girl: Yes, even if nobody is buying the laptop. Same with scented candles in Shoppers Stop. Few will buy them, but it makes them look a classy outlet. Which is why, when you are creating social media adverts for your store, you should have 80% of middle class products meant for real sale and 20% of high class product mostly to boost your brand value.

Boy: Some shops in malls only sell extremely high-end products.

Girl: And nobody buys them. The owners of those shops have a bigger business and that shop is the 20% of that entire business.

Boy: Hmm. 20% invested in imported perfume and real business is actually chewing gum.

Girl: Possible.

97. Family Credit Score (FCS)

Class teaching (Family Management, Paper V – Application of Family)

“How much money can you raise as loan from your family?

“In case you live in a small nuclear family, please consider your extended family with uncles, cousins, grandparents etc.

“Every large or extended family can be broken down to a cluster of basic family units of parents and children. Any further division will lead to incomplete family units.

“The total amount of probable loan from the entire family, inclusive of all constituent units, is your Family Credit Score (FCS). Do the following to calculate your FCS.

“First, make a list of all constituent family units that make up your large extended family.

“Second, consider their financial status and liabilities and try to ascertain the maximum amount of money they might be able to give you as loan over a period of at least one year.

“Third, add the maximum amounts for all constituent units to obtain your Family Loan Strength (FLS).

“Your Family Credit Score is 60% of the Family Loan Strength for emergency situations, like medical or legal and 40% for non-emergency situations, like business or education.”

On the board

FCS_emergency = 60% of FLS

FCS_{non-emergency} = 40% of FLS

96. Waste Some Time

The panel discussion on daily schedules of successful people is going on. A renowned film and theater director is speaking.

“In my daily routine I always leave at least an hour long slot for wasting time.

“Yes, I am not joking. I actually schedule a period of time when I don’t do anything. No matter how much work I have, I will stop doing that and then…then I will simply not do anything for the next hour.

“This is very important for people in the creative line of work, like me. You have to be imaginative. You have to be creative. You have to have your day dreams.

“I cannot schedule a fixed period of time for coming up with the basic plot of my next film. If I write in my schedule, for example, that I am going to think about the topic of my next film from four pm to five pm, then I am going to think of anything but that during the entire time. I will think of a football match, my lunch, if I need new shoes and all the time keep looking at the watch. Time is flying.

“But if I simply leave four to five pm as time to be wasted, I have no compulsion to do anything. I am also not reading or seeing TV. I am just wasting time.

“I am just doing nothing.

“And then my mind is bored. And then it starts venturing into the land of imagination. It starts daydreaming. It creates images.

“And at five I come back to my productive schedule with quite a few of such images in my mind. Most are to be discarded. But one…just one…might be my next film.

“Which is why I believe, that to be successful as a creative person, one must learn to waste time.”

95. Nothing Personal About It

A father and his daughter are talking at home. 

Father (holding a sheaf of papers): What is this?

Daughter: That is my report on the Multitasking experiment.

Father: (reading from the front page) “The breaking point of Multitasking: from extreme productivity to all-round failure”. This is your topic.

Daughter: Yes.

Father: What yes? This is your analysis of that experiment you did with me? The one where you wanted me to have breakfast while reading sports news from the paper and watching other news on TV and with you blabbering about your personal friend problems and asked my opinions? You wanted me to do five things at the same time!

Daughter: Yes. Eating, reading, seeing, listening and speaking. Those are parameters for Multitasking.

Father: And I went from extreme productivity to all round failure?

Daughter: Failure does not mean your failure. It means general outcome of the experiment.

Father: Really? Then what does this mean: (reads out from the report) “After a point, subject starts showing symptoms of failure.”?

Daughter: Why are you being so touchy about it? This is just technical language.

Father: Technical language? Then I guess I should also feel happy knowing that the (reading from another page) “different parts of the subject’s brain are not entirely in equilibrium.”

Daughter (sighs): Once again you are taking things personally.

Father: Oh yes? (Opens another page and reads) “The difference between the theory of Multinodal-tasking and the observation during my experiment might be explained by the incapability of the subject to handle complex situations.” I am incapable of handling complex situations?

(Mother enters)

Mother (to father): Why are you shouting. This is just a way of writing.

Father: Way of writing? Your daughter calls me incapable of handling situations, says that my brain is not in tune, that I am showing signs of all round failure.

Mother (to daughter): Have you really written all these things about your father?

Daughter: Not about my father, but about the subject of my experiment. That is impersonal and unbiased.

Father (to mother): You see: Your daughter can’t even call me ‘father’. I am her ‘subject’.

Mother (to daughter): Call him your father right now! (Exits room).

For Reference please see post 80 (Different Parts of the Brain).

94. A Truck Runs Over a Child

From Spoken Politics by L. Sheshadri and N. K. Muthurangam (Suggested Reading, Party Politics, Paper III – Ideology, Blindness and Righteousness)

Situation 2: A child has been run over by a truck while playing on a highway in the morning. You are a local politician. Prepare your arguments from a right, centre and left point of view.

Hints: If you are from a right party, argue in the line of schools being filled up by children whose parents have come from other states or areas of the country. As a result local kids have no chance of education. Hence they end up roaming around unsupervised and get run over. Demand separate reservation of seats and special treatment for local people speaking the local language.

If you are from a centre party, spend some hours with the family of the unfortunate child. Donate some taxpayers’ money to his/her father. Argue, that you are helpless to provide justice because the truck driver has left the country. Demand resignation of some minister.

If you are from a left party, argue in the line of industrialists setting up factories in such areas that trucks carrying materials have to ply through residential areas. Talk about the indifference and cruelty of a capitalist business owner. Demand jobs in that factory for twenty local labourers.

93. Multitasking Homework

Submitted Homework (Time Management Course, Paper IV – Micro Management)

As a home assignment, students were asked to write short paragraphs on Multitasking. No particular sub-topic was specified and students were encouraged to find their own topics.

Titles of some of the submitted works:

Is Multitasking a result of bad planning?

Genetic advantage for women in Multitasking

The breaking point of multitasking: from extreme productivity to all-round failure

An algorithm for maximum output in three-point Multitasking

Multitasking vs. delegation of responsibilities

Observation: my daily Multitasking

Multitasking: verb, noun, verbal noun or nominal verb?

Effects of alcohol (and other substances) on Multitasking capabilities 

Multitasking in ancient Egypt

92. Core and Extension

Class Teaching (Family Management, Paper III – Core and Extended Family)

Teacher: “Our core family consists of our spouse and children. Parents are often a part of it, but not always.

“Uncles, aunts, cousins etc. form the extended family.

“Today we will discuss which information about your personal life you might share with your extended family members and which are better kept within the confines of the core family.”

On the board

	Extended Family	Core Family
Education	Talk about your qualifications, not percentages	Discuss your actual marks, let them know
Financial status	Say you are poor. Then you can give cheap gifts and will not have to help the poor cousin.	Say you are reach to stop the comparison with neighbour, cousin etc.
Availability	Say office does not allow leaves. This means you have a responsible job.	Say you are always available for your darling spouse.
Political view	Go with the flow.	Read newspapers and deliver lectures to unwilling audience about your political analyses
Future plans	Only the parts where you are going abroad	Don’t bother. They will tell you your ideal future plan a hundred times anyway.
Cooking skills	Boast, because you are only showing photos.	Remember, love and affection cannot make inedible edible.
Having a boyfriend / girlfriend / lover	Tell them or else they will think you are no good	Tell them only when it is necessary, they will always disapprove. If you are already married, try not to make it necessary.

91. Gossip-mongers and Pathogens

Class Teaching (Office Dynamics, Paper II – Rumours and Gossips)

Teacher: “The spread of rumour is very similar to the spread of an infectious disease.

“Infectious diseases are spread by pathogens while rumours are spread by gossip-mongers. Much like the pathogens, there are three different types of gossip-mongers.”

On the board

Types of Gossip-mongers

Conventional Gossip-mongers – Spread rumours about daily events in an otherwise healthy environment and affect workers who are prone to gossips.

Conditional Gossip-mongers – Spread rumours during certain periods of layoff, cost cutting, directorial romance etc. Mostly affect people who are somehow connected to the issue beyond simple curiosity.

Opportunistic Gossip-mongers – Become virulently active during times of crises, like mass layoffs, major changes in the board of directors, shifting of office etc. Tend to spread misinformation about a grim future.

90. Vastly Different

Class Teaching (Social Media Usage, Paper V – Life on Social Media)

Teacher: “Today we start with the fifth paper of Social Media Usage course. This paper is about our lives on social media.

“There are two fundamental truths about our online lives.

“One, our lives on social media can comfortably swing between reality and fantasy. They have no compulsions to mirror our actual lives.

“Two, the lives of men are women are vastly different on social media platforms. Men have to fight tooth and nails for acceptance and attention while women need to ward off unnecessary attention constantly.

“For this reason, when a man writes a Facebook status update, he should produce a short text, written in easy, crisp language with eyeball grabbing font size, colour and format.

“women, on the other hand, can – and should - write long flowing texts in true literary styles. Most stalkers and false friends have low attention spans and they stop reading after the first line. At the same time it conveys that the writer is an articulate and intelligent woman. Nearly half of the population is scared of that type.”

89. The Team Leader

Two colleagues are talking in their office. One of them is attending the Office Dynamics course at NILS. They are hunched over a paper and talking about a certain team leader. The paper has a list of human emotions and attributes and a row of checkboxes beside them.

A: Does he like followers?

B: Oh, definitely!

A: (Puts a mark on the paper) Alright. Is he generous?

B: With his followers, yes.

A: But not generally, that’s right. Next is sadist. Is he a sadist? I don’t think so.

B: No, that is slightly extreme.

A: But he is vindictive.

B: Y-e-s.

A: Egoistic? I guess he is.

B: He has a big fat ego. Don’t think, just put a tick. Now, manipulative? Maybe a little?

A: Manipulative…hmm…no, I don’t think so.

B: If you step on his toes, he might try to play dirty.

A: You will do the same. He is not manipulative. May be slightly insecure, but who isn’t?

B: Yes, the higher up you are, the more insecure you feel.

A (thinking): He likes to brag about how good he is at work. Do you think that is a sign of insecurity?

B: No, I guess that is plain narcissism.

A: What? No. That is too strong. I would say it is either insecurity or overconfidence or a mixture of both.

B: Probably a mixture. Put a tick on both.

A: I think we have quite a few points about him. Now what?

B: Now we consult this document (takes out same papers). This has a list of do’s and don’ts for all different attributes. This basically tells you how to go about people having such natural traits.

A: (Counting marked checkboxes in the list) we have marked nine boxes for him. Nine attributes. Do we have do’s and don’ts for each one of them.

B: Yes. But, we have to combine them now. Finally there should not be more than five do’s and five don’ts altogether.

A: That is the homework?

B: That is the homework. Create guidelines for interactions with your colleagues.

88. Panel Discussion

NOTICE

A  panel discussion session on Daily Routine is going to be conducted on Wednesday, 26^th September at the Common Room from 5:30 pm. 

Successful personalities from different fields of life will talk about their daily activities and schedules. The audience will also have a chance to interact with the speakers during a question and answer session at the end.

The session is free for participants of the Time Management Course. Participants from other courses may also attend the session with an entry fee of Rs.50/-.

87. A Good Man

A married couple are talking at home. The husband is attending the Family Management course, mostly on his wife’s behalf. They are discussing about the Family Politics class from Sunday (for reference, see post 86).

Husband: To put it simply, the fight with your in-laws will be simpler if you are in an arranged marriage.

Wife: Why do you say that?

Husband: The teacher said that, not me. I am just repeating.

Wife: So it is easy for me to handle your parents. That is what you think?

Husband: Look, do not change the topic. This is not about handling my parents, it is about fighting with my parents. And I just taught you some good arguments to use against them.

Wife: Oh, really?

Husband: Of course! I am not taking my parents’ side darling, I am taking your side.

Wife: What is that argument again?

Husband: If things go really bad and if they actually say that you are a lousy daughter-in-law, then you can always tell them that if you are lousy at managing the household, then they were no less lousy in picking a wife for their son. Because they chose you.

Wife: You think this argument will work?

Husband: I don’t see why not.

Wife: You mean to say that the best way to fight with your parents is to accept that I am actually lousy at taking care of my household?

Husband (after a three seconds delay): I never said that.

Wife: You better not.

86. Taking the Fight to the In-laws

Class Teaching (Family Management, Paper IV – Family Politics)

Teacher: “Criticism and display of dislike from in-laws are common to all married couples. One has to live with it, but that does not mean one has to take it hands down.

“Some part of it should be simply ignored, but you should also know when to draw a line and how to tell people that they are crossing it.

“Remember, that an arranged marriage will always give you a better standing with your in-laws than a love marriage. In an arranged marriage you are handpicked by your in-laws. Now, if according to them, you have turned to be a complete disappointment after a few years, then that means they do not how to select a groom or a bride.

“Do not belittle this fact. This is a strong argument on your side. Remember this very well. If you are completely worthless as a spouse, then your in-laws were even bigger idiots to select you for their son or daughter. If ever things get that heated, let them know that.

“But if you had a love marriage, you cannot blame your in-laws. But, you can blame their son or daughter, to whom you are married. And then by lineage, you can insult them. That is one option.

“The other option is to stay in love with your husband or wife, so that whenever your in-laws raise an issue, their son or daughter will fight it for you.

“Be in love and stay in love. That is your best weapon in a love marriage.”

85. Nested Goals

From a students classnotes (Time Management, Paper III – Goal Setting)

NESTED GOALS

• Time is limited, ambition is not.
• Every ambition leads to multiple short and long term goals.
• NEST YOUR GOALS, so that while finishing one task, you can simultaneously finish another.

Eg. 1) Consider the following goals: i) creating a good impression at work, ii) catching up with friends, iii) giving a pleasant surprise to boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. How can you nest these goals?

Ans. Suggest to your superior that you are willing to work behind regular working hours. Stay back a couple of hours after everyone else has left. Surveillance will be low, so use this time to chat with your friends. While chatting, ask everyone about nice, romantic and low-cost surprize gift ideas.

Eg. 2) You have joined a cooking class, a book club and a yoga course. You only have some free time in the evening. You have the following goals: i) trying out creative cooking, ii) finishing a book within a week, iii) practicing Yoga. How do you nest them?

Ans. Choose a recipe that has a moderately long slow cooking phase where you are only supposed to sit and wait. While waiting, do Yoga. Procure an audio version of the book you are supposed to read and listen to it while doing Yoga.

84. Staying Away

Two participants from the Family Management course are chatting before the classes begin. Both are married, but not to each other.

Man: You are not working, right? I mean not earning. So, your husband is paying for this course?

Woman: Yes and he damn well should. I am doing this to handle his side of the family. My in-laws are nutjobs.

Man: He actually asked you to join?

Woman: No, I told him straight that if he wants me to take care of his children and his parents while he doesn’t even give a damn, then the least I deserve is a professional training.

Man: Why doesn’t he give a damn?

Woman: Because he is busy. Or whatever. (Drinks water from a bottle). And why are you really doing this course?

Man: (Thinks a little) Alright, I will tell you a secret. I am always doing some course or other.

Woman: Really? What type of courses?

Man: That does not matter. Anything. I have even enrolled in computer courses and acting classes.

Woman: Is this a hobby?

Man: No, it isn’t. I will be honest with you. I mean, why not? (Smiles) I do these courses to stay away from my wife.

Woman: (Stares spellbound)

Man: Yeah, I know. Sounds crazy. But not that crazy once you get to know my wife.

Woman: That difficult, huh?

Man: In a nutshell, you would like to stay away. But you cannot just stay away. You will need to give a reason. Which is why I keep doing random courses. And by God, am I glad I chose this course!

Woman: (Smiles)